the journey of growing up

something finally came over and hit me today, i'd say it's quite late for this feeling and attitude, but hey better late then never =) so i've been saying stuff like "work hard and play hard", but the truth is that i guess i never really understood the full context of it, working hard doesn't mean "i think i've worked hard enough for today", rather it really should be let's set an ALMOST impossible goal, and let's get'er done!

seeing that my summer is pretty much half way done and i've honestly not done much, not the work hard part, nor the play hard part (but good thing is that i still have 2 more months to make up for all the lost time) i just need to set my goal in short terms, and accomplish each task one day at a time, cuz the things that i need to do, I REALLY NEED TO DO!!

one more thing for today, my 3 year contract with the worst cell phone carrier (telus) is finally over today, so me and my parents actually went to futureshop to look for new plans and cells, but some shenanigan took place and bottom line i wasn't able to get the phone i wanted and we got into a huge fight, and turned into one gigantic lecture on life AGAIN

what we really fought about was the attitude towards life, it's the battle of the eastern vs. western. everyday i'm taught to live your life, to live your life to the fullest and live your life as if it was your last. that's what i know from living in canada, but that's not what my parents want, they want me to live my life as it was a preparation for tomorrow, "it's worth it to sacrifice some social life, some friends, some fun to make sure that i will have all the fancy cars, house, jewels in the future", that i don't disagree either, but there's gotta be a balance. I'M ONLY 19, i don't know what i want in the future yet, i don't have all the experience you had to want you want for me. i don't need the million house nor the extravagant porches. what i want right now is what every other young person wants, to enjoy life as it is, to be reckless and young and exciting. this is the most exhilarating age in my life, i can't be so worried about my future that i don't do anything. i'm not saying that i'm gonna be stupid and party all day and night and brush my teeth with a bottle of jack. i'm still gonna work hard, to ensure that i will have the time and money when i grow up to also enjoy life, but i can't think that far ahead, you will never know what will happen in the future, the best i can do right now, is just do what i gotta do for the next couple little while, make sure that i'm not doing something so stupid that will ruin me for the rest of my life.

i wanna love so hard nothing else matters, i wanna cry so hard that i can barely catch my breath

i wanna get drunk on a beach and wake up in the morning covered in sand

i wanna go on trips just because i feel like it for the second

i wanna start dancing in the middle of the mall just because

but in the end

i still need to finish my tasks that is only possible if i'm 100% focused and not distracted by anything

i need to study so hard that by doing so my future will be just that little bit better, easier

for the past couple weeks my life has kinda been like a rollercoaster (hmm maybe not as extreme), but i did experience quite a bit of things and emotions, and i sorta lost my focus. for the summer i made plans for myself to work on some school material just so that i won't get so caught up again in september.

i've done a lot of thinking since last night, (mostly just foolish stupid angsty thoughts), but still with some somewhat useful stuff, much about life and goals and dreams. it's no question that school/career wise, i'm absolutely lost and aimless, the only thing i know how to do is just to do well, and even with that i lose my motivation at times. with that being said, quite a few things i still really need to work on regardless what i wanna do, or where i wanna go with my life. so i guess my first thing to do is to re-prioritize my tasks, and really follow through them. do i what i have to do first, and leave myself some time for some thinking, searching...

besides that, i kinda wanna write a little on the things that happened recently. it always kinda sucks when things didn't work out the way you hoped. thought a lot about it last night, hate to say it but i was quite emotional. at some point i did think it was different this time and it was gonna be a great summer just hanging out with you. did a lot of arguing with myself but conclusion was that sometimes you can't force things to work if the fundamentals weren't even there. now i just hope that we won't have to go through that awkward phase again, it's just stupid

you give me this feelin

i'm just content as where i am right now

and i'm glad that i'm not worrying about what we are or where we are

i'm glad that i'm not worrying about other girls

i'm glad that i'm not worrying about where we could go

i just love how natural it is with you

i just love how peaceful it is with you

it's not ambitious

i just wanna watch sunsets with you

drink hot chocolate with you

& sit next to you

it's a feeling that makes me wanna play ukulele

although i have no idea how

it's a feeling that makes me just wake up and smile

杜拉拉- 看后感

us girls, we can get too worked up about the tiniest things, blowing everything out of proportion. we are too afraid of getting hurt, or looking like a fool, and we always think about the worst scenario possible when it comes to some situations and always threat to give up what we have, but never really realize what we have until we lose them. so i guess always try to find the solutions rather than giving up, always try to think of what could be rather than what couldn't be. just enjoy the moment and don't get worry in the way of happy-ness

anyway that was my little rant after watching this chinese film 杜拉拉升值记, i thought it really was a great film and i throughly enjoyed every second of it, from the plot to the acting and the fashion, music. the way of the filming was modern & fresh, quite cosmo. and i'm most definitely glad that it was not just another film about the chinese revolution or the kong-fu era

this is my subconscious talking

this is my heart warning

you give me the butterflies i can't resist

you give me the uneasiness and i long for more

the coziest smiles

the safest hugs

day & night

i yearn for the memories that we share

as much as i loved it

still can't help but feeling a little down

this is my vulnerability

as strong as i might seem

i am not

i get hurt

just like anyone else

because i care

wait

i'm really bad at waiting for waiting

so just let me know what you are thinking

tired of guessing

wondering

contemplating

and

in the end

it's just more waiting

so i thought about it

i guess we will always be

but we could never be

relax

back to exactly where i was

how i was

i just need a little bit patience & time

sometimes you know it's meant

and sometimes u just know

perfect

so there are some things, i've been yearning to say but the words always get caught between my teeth. something i know deep down, but wont admit.

for the things that had happened, i'm sorry

i can't face them

never understood why, how

anyone could change so fast

now i know how

still don't know why

i guess the only thing i could say

is that i'm sorry

feel

so that must be how it feels, i know you feel it too.

seeing that person being happier than ever before

with someone else

hearing that person saying that they've never felt that way before

with someone else

deleted photos

deleted memories

do i miss you

do i still care about you

or am i only missing the way i felt

you seem so right to me

but somehow i've always known we could never be

so is it just my imagination

or you are too

debating the emotions

and trying to figure it out