Change

so today i hung out with a really close friend of mine, we haven't seen each other since the summer so it was really good to chill with her again, however, she said that i've changed, and that i'm just not the same person anymore. It was really hard to take it in i guess, mainly because of two reasons.

first, is that this change has made me to face this fact that i've been ignoring for a long time, that her and i just aren't the same anymore, and we are just not that close anymore. i still remember the time when we used to call each other every week and just talk about the random things, and boys and all that fun stuff, and now things just aren't the same anymore. it's not like it's awkward to tell her stuff or anything, but we've both learned to keep certain things away from each other instead of telling each other everything. this is making me really sad, just seeing good friends drifting away from you, and it's just hard to let go. I've always had a hard time saying good bye. Going from elementary school to middle, or middle school to high school, i'm always the one trying to hold on to the friendship, but only realizing it way later that you've both changed, and the distance between you two is just getting further and further apart. my friend says that it's just life, well i agree with her, some people just leave your life as other enter at the same time, but just this reality is quite depressing, because you can still remember the things that you used to do together......i don't know....

second reason is just the fact that i've changed. it's really something that i can't deny, because i know that i've really become this person i definitely was not 2 or 3 years ago. but i'm thinking, have i really changed? or i've always had this in me, and it's just finally showing up? and i just thought about this song by J-Lo, "i'm still i'm still jenny from the block", hmm i feel like i'm still the same person in a way, but only with a few more things or layers or whatever. hmmm and maybe he was right, that person who hurted me the most, when he said that i was becoming this person, maybe he saw it before anyone else, even before myself. i'm really okay with it, in a way, cuz i'm just having fun, enjoying the freedom and being careless, but then just the idea of whom i've become, which is someone that i've sorta always made fun of. i really don't know if i've changed for the better, or the worse...or maybe both?

home sweet home

home tomorrow

going home tomorrow right after ob exam, oh boy am i excited? haven't really left home for so long before, it's different. can't really say that it took me long to get used of it, but at the time i do really miss home, just the idea of being with your family is quite nice.

in the past 4 months, i feel like i've really changed a lot, some for the worse some for the better....well i've become a lot lazier!! like waking up at noon is pretty normal for me, and eating 2 regular meals, breakfast becomes lunch, lunch become dinner, dinner becomes midnight snacks..oh but i did become better in some aspects, i've started actually cleaning my own room, keeping it tidy, sorta tidy, more than before anyway..oh and i actually care about school and worry about school now, whereas before i've never stressed about much....

so the things i love about college:

1. the freedom, definitely the freedom, and especially for me. well if u knew me from calgary, you probably know that i'm never allowed to hang out with friends, so now without the crazy control of my parents, i'm allowing myself to go out whenever i want, but it's not the same as going out all the time, like i said, i actually worry about school now, so i chose when i can and when i can't, and most of the nights out have been absolutely amazing

2. the nights out! hmm well if u want me to count the parties i've been to since september, i probably can't remember all of it, althou there have been some special nights i think i'd probably remember for the rest of my life. such as graffiti night. man was it sick!! and i was even a little too drunk to remember a lot of it, it was still really great, some other nights at the frats pretty sweet too, although it's a long walk from here to there oh well

3. the campus, not to brag or anything, but i love the campus, it's soo pretty, and just the fact that it has a beach 5 min from where i live is entirely awesome! now it's pretty cold to go down there, but everytime i've been down there, there's always a special memory to it....defs the spot to lay back and relax, and just enjoy the silence of the nights and energy of being young, and the worry-less feeling

4. my roomate. so thank goodness that i have the roommate that i have...i've seen so many people complaining so much about their roommates, just because there are just so many people who don't know how to respect each other, also at the same time don't know how to deal with these problems, being the princes and princesses they are. she's so down to earth and genuine. by having a roommate, i've really learned how to live with someone else, care about someone else, but at the same time keep the distance so we don't get sick of each other...can't wait to have an apartment of four next year!

so here are all the things i love about college. it defs is great!

enough talking for tonight, got my OB final tomorrow, still gotta go over the first half of the book tomorrow..so i'll talk to all you later =)

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STOP

serenity

so i'm listening to the athletes right now, and i'm just feeling the serenity inside my heart, for the first time in a really time. It's really amazing how just one song, could remind you so much, but yet not much at the same time. It's almost like an abstract picture forms in your head, you remember the feeling, the thoughts, but just not the details.

Athletes, I really haven't listened to them for a really long time, partially i just haven't really had the mood, the peaceful feeling you have to have to truly enjoy this band, because when you slow down, and avoid everything noise in your life, the music becomes your heart beat, and just feel the relaxed beats and sound. and one thing i really like about them, is that they are not trying to be indie, not trying too hard to be different and sacrifice the true meaning of music, because nowadays, too much music is only there for the sake to be there, different for the sake to be different. and this band, i guess really is my virgin indie music group, never really listened to anything other than R&B or hip hop before this. i still remember listening to this whole new genre of music with matt, on the coach bus on the way to nelson. we listened to a lot of music, but i really just remember the athlete and scout for girls. and so we just listened to his music, sitting in the dark bus, watching sakatch talking to other people, and the lights of other cars and how they drove passed us. we didn't talk much. that's the kinda happiness i had with him, the quiet type.

hmm enough of commenting on music and reminiscing , this post was supposed to be a reflection on my inner peace. well i guess i could explain part of how i feel to how late it is. it's 1:46 right now, and also the fact that i finished my second final, out of 5. yesterday i just wrote my first one, calculus, i really didn't mind it all that much, kinda got used to of not being to answer a question or two from the tests, but it really was really two and half hours of intense brain blasting, being so rushed trying to finish all the questions but still trying to avoid stupid mistakes, and after that was another countless hours of studying and stressing about spanish, although i still have 3 more to go, but i feel so much more relieved already.

yesterday threw everything at me - this really is my favourite song by them, but i can never remember song title, well i finally found it, and it was amazing as ever

and now i just feel i'm done talking for the night, goodnight

and ps.

this person just kinda popped into my life again, but i really, really don't get you. as grateful as i am that you are here, and enjoy you being here, i just can't put my fingers around you. what are you really about?